Cruel and Unusual
by hiding duh
Summary: Justin/Alex. After screwing up big time, Alex is sent to summer school. In the wizarding world. ...in the 19th century. And yeah, okay, she's totally taking Justin with her.
1. Chapter 1

I was reading _Hänsel und Gretel_ to my nephews. And was promptly tackled by this plot bunny.

(The fable and this story aren't at all related. I was just thinking how nice the 19th century was 'cause people could just dump their spoiled brats in the woods.)

* * *

**Title**: Cruel and Unusual

**Fandom**: Wizards of Waverly Place

**Characters/Pairings**: Justin/Alex

**Rating**: PG-13

**Spoilers**: Any episode with Professor Crumbs.

**Summary**: After screwing up big time, Alex is sent to summer school. In the wizarding world. ...in the 19th century. And yeah, okay, she's totally taking Justin with her.

**Word Coun**t: 1600

**Notes**: I'm always torturing Justin, so I figure maybe Alex should be afforded the same treatment. I'm an equal opportunity abuser.

*

Okay, look, Alex had always secretly suspected she'd be sent off to boarding school, or military school, or possibly prison, but this? This was just _wrong_.

"Daddy," she fussed. "You can't do this. Do you know what kind of conditions I'll be subjugageted to? I'll have to wear... well. That."

Harper beamed, decked out in full peasant garb. "I'm wearing this to show support, Alex!" She twirled once, fluffing up her tattered skirts, adding, "Look, authentic frilled front!"

In response, Alex urgently draped herself over Jerry. "No, Daddy, please."

Jerry wavered, locking eyes with Theresa.

Theresa hesitated, too, clearly itching to pounce on the nearest vulnerable child.

"First of all, Alex," Justin piped in with a smug smirk, dutifully patrolling the Sub Station for any loitering customers, "it's _subjugated_, and second..." he flipped the OPEN sign, effectively closing the shop, "...you'll need this."

A bottle of perfume landed in her hands. "What?"

Justin's lips twitched. "No body wash, no shampoo, no conditioner," he listed off, almost gleefully, ushering everyone toward the lair. "No makeup, no hair spray, no moisturizers..." he lectured, then easily swung the lair door open. "The French used perfume to disguise the terrible, terrible smell. So."

Alex flung herself at Theresa. "Mom. Mama."

Theresa made a small pitiful sound and swept Alex into her arms. "Oh, honey," she cried into Alex's hair, "you don't have to go, we'll think of something—"

A strong flash of light brightened the lair, and the portal came to life.

"I'm afraid she _must_ go," Professor Crumbs said, stepping through the magical threshold. "We're still rebuilding our main campus."

Alex made a face. Okay, so she'd accidentally collapsed a couple Wiz Tech towers, big deal.

"And she did fail Spanish..." Jerry nodded, scrunching up his face.

Come on. Spanish was hard. If she were meant to speak Spanish, she would've been born in Spania. Or wherever it was they spoke Spanish.

"And she maxed out your credit cards," Max reminded, "and didn't even buy me anything cool." Off Jerry's glare, he backpedaled, "I mean, I'll miss you, Alex. Bring me back something!"

Alex chucked her wand at him. "How about the _plague_?"

"Ah. The portal shall be opening," Professor Crumbs interrupted, checking the tiny owl on his wrist, "in precisely four hoots. Hoots? That can't be right."

"Minutes," Justin supplied, surreptitiously dragging Alex closer to the barrier.

"And need I remind you, young lady," Professor Crumbs continued, fixing his eyes on Alex's disgruntled face, "this particular portal only opens once a month, so... please, try not to cause our emergency rescuers to have to break protocol. Again."

Alex planted her feet firmly into the carpet, resisting the pull. "Look," she pleaded, "we can, you know, avoid all this by not sending me off—"

"Nice try," Justin snorted, impatiently glancing at the nearest clock.

"Look on the bright side, Alex," Jerry offered enthusiastically, "you can use as much magic as you want!"

Both Professor Crumbs and Justin cleared their throats.

"In... in a structured, supervised manner," Jerry nodded hastily, then smushed Alex to his chest. "Oh, my little girl is growing up!"

Theresa piled on, wrapping her arms around both of them. "Be good, mi hija. This will help us... I mean—_you_." After a beat, she muttered, "I hope."

"I'm going to catch cholera and die," Alex mumbled into Jerry's shirt. "What part of that is going to teach me a lesson?"

With a heavy sigh, Justin extricated her from the tangled mess of parental affection, then spun her around to stare at the portal, probably counting down the seconds in his big stupid head.

Oh, well. Time to bring out her secret weapon.

She turned slowly, sniffling. "_Justin_. Won't you miss me? I mean," she stuck out her bottom lip, leveling tear-filled eyes with his, "I'll be gone a whole _month_."

Justin stared at her for a long moment, then turned to Jerry. "Can I have her stereo?"

"I want her wallpaper," Max agreed.

Harper raised a hand. "Dibs on the shoes!"

"It's time, Miss Russo," Professor Crumbs announced, and a brilliant blue glow spilled through the lair.

Alex took a moment to contemplate.

Fine. If they were going to be like that, she'd just have to improvise.

"...hey, let me hug my _favorite_ brother one last time, okay?"

Surprised, Justin blinked, then stupidly opened his arms to her.

"Yeah, okay, great," she huffed, grabbed a hold of his shirt, then hauled him off across the threshold.

The portal closed behind them with a sharp swish.

*

"I'm going to kill you."

"Oh, relax," Alex yawned, leaning against an old well, arms crossed. "It's not that bad."

Justin scanned the looming woods, shivering. "They'll come get me. Just you watch. Any minute now..."

"You heard Crumbs," Alex kicked at a tiny pebble, smacking her lips. "Once a month."

Lightning-fast, Justin turned around with a menacing frown. "This was supposed to be YOUR punishment, Alex!" he ranted, gesturing wildly at the darkening woods. "_You're_ the one that burned Wiz Tech to the ground, so why am_ I s_tuck here WITH YOU—"

"I didn't burn it to the ground," she defended with a pout. "Technically, there was still a couple floors left."

"_Were_," he corrected, frustrated. "There were still a couple floors left, Alex!"

"Look, Justin," she reasoned, "you know, like, fifty spells. I figured you'd come in handy."

"Five _thousand_ spells, Alex," he growled, raising his arms to the heavens as if expecting reinforcements. When none came, he gave a resigned sigh and held out a hand. "Give me the instructions."

Alex perked up, digging through her pocket and producing a small crumpled note.

With an irritated puff, Justin scrutinized the note, his left eye twitching. "Your host family should've picked you... _us_... up by now."

As if on cue, on old woman broke through the trees, waddling down a beaten path. "Alex Russo!" she waved, hoisting up her skirts. "Here I am, Alex Russo! On time!"

Alex closed her mouth with effort. The woman was short and frumpy and wearing what Harper had been wearing. Only so much dirtier.

Alex took an involuntary step back.

So... no. Nope. This wasn't going to work for her.

"I'm outta here," she told Justin, but he promptly yanked her back.

"Hello, kind stranger," he started, equal parts polite and aggravated. "My name is—"

"—Alex Russo, I know," the old lady addressed Justin, clasping his hands in greeting. "We've been expectin' you." She glanced at Alex, eyeing her disdainfully. "My. I don't think you were allowed to bring a girlfriend with you, Alex."

Alex pried the old woman's fingers off Justin's. "No, hi. _I'm_ Alex."

"And she's not my girlfriend," Justin deadpanned, then segued into a disgustingly ardent: "my girlfriend—Juliet—is _amazing_." His chin trembled, voice low and dejected. "But she's sort of a mummy's minion for the time being—"

Alex gagged, loudly, and pushed him out of the way to look down at the weird old lady. "Look, can we just go? I need to wash the..." she glanced about with loathing, "..._nature_ off of me."

The old lady frowned, then gave a disinterested shrug, starting up the path. "You can wash in a fortnight, Alex Russo. First there's cleanin' that needs doin', dough that wants kneadin', and intimates that could do with a scrubbin'."

Alex froze in her tracks. "Justin. What language is she speaking?"

"The language of chores, Alex," he replied, pursing his lips and raising a self-satisfied eyebrow. "Oh, I should've brought my camera."

Alex lost all feeling in her limbs. "Magic," she breathed, "I can use magic, right?"

Justin gave her a smug grin, "Did you bring your wand?"

Alex paused.

"...kill me," she said. "You said you'd kill me. Do it. Do it now."

Justin patted her shoulder with false sympathy, then practically skipped away, throwing over his shoulder, "This is so much better!"

"Boy!" the old woman shouted from the dense clearing ahead, "there's also stables that need sweepin'!"

Justin blanched.

After a moment of shocked silence, he hurried after the old woman, yelping, "Wait, I'm not even supposed to be here!"

The old lady heaved a heavy sigh. "That's what they all say..."

Stifling a laugh with both hands, Alex padded after her brother.

Well. Maybe this whole punishment thing wouldn't be so bad—

"...wait," she called out, catching up to Justin and tugging on his sleeve. "What's a fortnight?"

Justin spared her a crestfallen glance. "Two weeks."

Alex paled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Note**: The continuity on this show is messed up. Sometimes they need a wand; sometimes they just snap their fingers. Sometimes they need to rhyme things; sometimes they just need to... snap their fingers.

For the purposes of this story, they need a wand.

(Thanks for the awesome reviews, kind people! I was sorta worried because, like, twenty people put up an alert for this story, but only one reviewed, which made me think something along the lines of, "Oh, no, they want to watch me fail.")

*

No.

No, this was totally not okay. Fine, it was a punishment, and Alex _got_ that, yeah, but after spending approximately forty minutes with a weird old lady and the weird old lady's weirder, older husband, Alex was seriously ready to off herself.

"—and that is the latrine," the old dude finished proudly, gesturing at a nearby fly-infested shed-like thing. Alex fervently hoped that would signal the end to this disgusting tour of disgustingness, but he decided to grace her with a toothless grin, and added: "You'll be in charge of cleanin' it, girl."

...look. Alex had never been the princess type, had actually eaten an enchilada out of the garbage once with her dad, and had spent several days traipsing through a tropical rain forest in one pair of boots and one pair of panties.

BUT THERE WAS NO FREAKIN' WAY IN ANY OF THE EXISTING OR ALTERNATE UNIVERSES THAT SHE WOULD BE CLEANING SOME OLD PEOPLE'S POOP HOUSE, OKAY.

"Harry," Justin said, his brow knitting in thought, "that seems like it'd be too much for her..."

Alex's heart swelled.

Harry raised a bushy gray eyebrow. "Are you volunteering, boy?"

Justin paused, then clasped Alex's shoulder with a deep inhale. "Good luck, Alex."

Okay. Fine. She could set the shed on fire tomorrow morning and blame it on global warming or the raccoons or the Germans. Problem solved.

"First, though," the old woman chimed in, tugging Alex toward a misshapen little house, "we oughta get started on makin' dinner."

"Ah," Alex chuckled, mostly to herself, trying to reclaim her elbow, "April, right?"

"May," May corrected, unimpressed.

"May," Alex amended, swatting at a mosquito buzzing around her ear, "I don't really do... " she quoted with her fingers, "...'cooking.' I'm more of an 'eating' type, you know?"

"True," Justin supplied helpfully.

Apparently deaf, May practically punted Alex into the hut. "Let's get to workin', Alex Russo."

The door creaked closed behind Alex, separating her from Justin and Harry and trapping her in the smelly old cabin with a woman who honestly expected Alex to, like, work and stuff.

A sack of potatoes landed on a crooked table before her. "Start peelin'."

Blinking, Alex found herself slowly picking up a knife. Its handle came off, so she picked up a potato and poked at the sprouts sticking out of it. "You're a wizard."

May stoked the fire in one corner, struggling with a massive cracked oven for a moment, then hoisted a huge pot atop it. "So?"

"...so," Alex frowned. "Why aren't you using, you know. Magic? Magic can peel a potato much faster than I can." She cut herself on the dull blade and sucked on her finger. "Also, magic doesn't bleed in highly unsanitary conditions."

May stirred the pot, hiding a secret sort of half-smile. "Alex Russo, there is more to life than magic."

...yeah, okay. Whatever this lady was on, Alex wanted some, too.

She opened her mouth to basically say so, but a loud crack came from the outside, as if a great tree or ogre or mountain had been felled.

May seemed to be listening intently for a long moment, then said, "That reminds me..." She shot Alex a wary look. "Are you and the boy betrothed?"

Alex peeled the skin off a mushy potato with disgust. "Yeah, we fight a lot, I guess. Hey, is there take-out in the 19th century? How fast can a horse get here?"

May blinked a few times, forgetting to stir the boiling pot. "Betrothed is when you're promisin' to join in holy matrimony." She paused, obviously reevaluating the strength of Alex's vocabulary. "_Marriage_."

Alex dropped the potato. "Ew, gross, what? No, he's my..." she trailed off. "I'm _seventeen_."

May glowered, huffing, "I was already an old married woman when I was your age."

Alex tilted her head. "Wow, that's... really sad for you."

Squinting, May brought her ladle to Alex's nose, threatening, "You may be from the future, Alex Russo, but we won't be condonin' any sinnin' under our roof."

Alex's eyes crossed as she stared at the tip of the greasy ladle.

Yeah. This would've been an awesome time to tell May that Justin was, you know. Her brother. And that he was into vampires. And werewolves. And goth chicks.

So, of course, Alex said, "Okay, okay, I'll talk to my... bethroancé? No sinning." Then she grimaced, inspecting the beetle carcasses by her feet. "Boy, I can't believe I'm saying this, but have you thought about investing in a good vacuum cleaner?"

In turn, May unceremoniously kicked her out of the hut.

*

"AIM, boy!"

A woodchip whizzed by Alex's head.

Justin lowered his axe, wiping at his forehead and sending Alex a dirty look. "Oh, I _was_."

Alex narrowed her eyes. "And here I was, coming to tell you boys that dinner is ready," she said charmingly, chin up. "Well. Probably."

Harry perked up. "You can handle the rest o' this on yer own, boy, yeah?" he saluted, obviously not interested in a reply, then enthusiastically hobbled over to the house.

"Harry, I have a name—" Justin called out, then snapped his head around to glare at Alex. "I'm _chopping wood_, Alex."

She stretched, brushing stray kindling out of her hair. "And I'm standing here."

"What?"

"Oh, sorry. I thought we were playing the Things That Are Obvious game. No?"

Justin shut his eyes tightly, inhaled, exhaled, opened his eyes, then leveled his gaze with hers. "Alex, I should be hunting monsters right now—"

Alex plopped down on the nearest tree stump. "Yeah, you're not very good at that."

He faltered. "Well. Okay. I should be looking for Juliet right now—"

Something tiny and irrational tightened her chest. "Look, I already apologized for bringing you here—"

"—_when_?"

"—so you should just try to find a way to get us both out of here," she lectured, "or at least stop complaining, Justin, _gosh_."

Justin sent his axe a wistful glance, then let it drop to the muddy ground. He brushed the dust off his pants, and pursed his lips before nodding. "You're right."

"I am?" Her lips curled. "I mean, of course I am. By the way, if they ask, we're getting married."

Justin raised both eyebrows. "To whom?"

Alex shot him an annoyed glance.

*

Justin made a face.

He lifted his wooden spoon, letting the stew dribble off it in chunks. "Uh, while this looks... appetizing," he began diplomatically, "I was wondering if perhaps—"

"You're joking, right?" Alex asked, staring at her bowl.

Harry and May exchanged glances, the corners of their wrinkled mouths tugging up.

*

"...and this is where you'll be sleepin'."

Alex backed up in horror. Straight into Justin's chest.

His hands automatically gripped her shoulders, steadying her. "Uh, while we do appreciate the... thought?—" he started, then pressed his mouth into a firm line. "No. It's fine. Thank you, May."

Alex was still too busy staring at her new bedroom. Which looked nothing like a bedroom. It looked like a freakin' attic-barn, okay, raised seven feet off the ground, squashed under a leaky roof, and stuffed with straw. And probably diseases.

"So this is where Justin will be sleeping, ha, awesome," she tried, though the sinking feeling in her stomach intensified, "but where's _my_ room, May? Also, I really like your... dark circles and... huge pores, so can I maybe have some pillows and a blow-dryer?"

May swung a small lantern closer, illuminating Alex's face, and smiled. "I'll be fetchin' you 'round dawn, Alex Russo."

And then she just left, disappearing into another hideous corner of this hideous little house, so Alex brought her attention to Justin. "Let go."

He withdrew his hands, then cautiously tested the wooden ladder leading up to the half-attic. "I'm disowning you when we get back home. If we get home. Actually, you know what?" he mumbled on his way up, foot stuck between two rotted steps, "I'm disowning you right now."

Grudgingly, Alex climbed after him, scuffing her new boots and tearing a hole in her favorite shawl along the way. She landed at Justin's feet, covered in straw and dirt.

"If I jump," she asked, poking her head over the ledge and staring down at the sawdust on the floor below, "...or push you off... will the emergency wizards come get us?"

"Not high enough," he replied, as though he was thinking about it, too.

Alex's shoulders slumped. Anxiously, she looked around. Her new room consisted of three flimsy walls, a small crooked window at the far end, bales of hay, a flickering lantern, termites, and _Justin_.

Instinctively, she scooted closer to him. "Is there a spell for conjuring up a mattress?"

Justin ignored her, apparently intent on fluffing up a damp patch of hay and using it as a pillow. He rolled away from her, curling up and keeping quiet, so Alex drew closer again. When he moved away once more, she sat up and crossed her arms with a frown.

"Justin," she demanded, staring at the clumps of dry mud on the back of his sweater. "I can't do this."

She wanted to add _without you_, but that would've sounded stupid. And she could totally do it without him, anyway.

He said nothing.

"Justin," she repeated, voice pitching higher. She wasn't, like, worried or anything, and she definitely wasn't feeling remorseful. "I'm sorry, okay? So can you please just..."

A small poof of smoke rose over Justin's shoulder.

Swiftly, Alex grabbed at his elbow, turning him on his back. "What are you—"

His fingers were curled around his wand and... a comic book.

"JUSTIN," she growled, snatching the booklet and chucking it across the attic. "You have your wand! You can do magic and YOU CHOOSE TO READ _THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CAPTAIN JIM BOB_?"

Justin averted his eyes guiltily. "It's a new edition..."

Incredulous, Alex stared down at him, hands on his chest. "Just... just conjure up a shower and my lipgloss and a couple of chocolate milkshakes, you dork."

Serious, Justin sat up, brushing her hands off. "That would defeat the purpose of your punishment, Alex."

Alex gave an exasperated whine, collapsing into him. He smelled like pine and sweat and magic and it sort of reminded her of that one time they'd bunked together in the jungle. "Justin."

He took a moment to reply. "What?"

"What's the recipe for Undo Dust?"

Caught off guard, Justin pocketed his wand, then habitually entered tutoring mode, listing: "One part rue, four parts iron filings—"

"Okay, that's good, you can stop there," she grinned, angling her wrist. "Just needed you to not pay attention," she added, sliding her fingers into his back pocket then totally attempting to flee, "while I stole your wand."

After a beat, Justin scrambled up and made an immediate grab for her. "Alex, _no_. Give it b—"

Alex held the wand out and dodged, bending at an unnatural angle. "Ha, yeah, not likely, Ju—"

He tackled her into a bale of hay.

Alex froze. Her fingers locked up and her heart did this weird thing where it sort of decided not to work. She'd meant to say something snarky, but inexplicably, it died on her lips.

Justin's fingers wrapped around the wand's shaft, brushing hers. "I'm serious, Alex."

Yeah. She could tell.

"Just one milkshake?" she pouted, trying to regain her bearings.

Oddly enough, Justin's eyes briefly focused on her lips.

Then, slowly, he straightened, cringed, and snapped his wand in two.


End file.
